I’ve always thought of myself as pretty decent in the looks department. I’m not a Beyoncé and probably couldn’t make the cut as a Latoya, but for a regular person I was alright—in the face. Everywhere else I was pretty insecure about. Growing up I was never skinny and being active in dance and some sports kept my weight in a middle range. By the time puberty really hit me hard and stopped being as active and was categorized as overweight.
I remember a time in junior high where everyone had this weird fixation on how much they weigh, “I weigh 165 I’m sooo fat”, meanwhile I was at a high 190. Apparently I never looked like I weighed “that much”, but in every group picture I saw I looked three times their size. 10 years later I’ve become more comfortable with my weight but not completely okay.
There’s this new love of plus size women, Instagram is flooded with pictures of body positivity pictures and women showing off their curves, but there one problem. A lot of those women have a certain body type. Even the biggest woman has a smaller waist then her hips and super thick defined curves. I created a mental image of what plus size meant, big hips, booty, thighs, and usually average or smaller breasts.
I’m the opposite. I have huge breasts, a waist that might be an inch smaller than my non-existent hips, and a booty not much bigger then my thighs. I may be nowhere near small but my proportions don’t even match those of the most famous plus size bloggers and models.
I look at myself and I think if only I could gain more weight in my hips, lose more weight in my waist, or have a smaller chest so I could have one of the two most instagramed body types, how much happier I’d be with myself. I think about it when I’m shopping, taking pictures, or just going out to parties. These insecurities follow me everywhere, especially when I’m dating.
I started using tinder solely because I wanted to flirt with guys—dumb right? I felt that every time I went out to parties and would start flirting with a cute guy, by the end of the night he would beg one of my skinnier friends for her number. I know there’s a possibility that maybe he just liked her more and it had nothing to do with weight, but I also know the guys intention—I’m probably born with the special gift to tell if a guy is into someone and what they want to do. Also it’s happened more times than I can count, so either I have a shitty personality or I might be seeing a pattern.
Over the summer, I decided to try using tinder a little more seriously. I changed my bio and included more full body pictures of myself so guys would know exactly what they were getting into. Then the swiping began. I had got a noticeably larger amount of matches and more guys would try to strike up a conversation, but I didn’t think much of it until I started talking to a certain group of guys. I agreed to go out on a date with them and came back—still single—but with a completely new mindset.
All three of the guys were fairly attractive—except one guy that looked like his pictures but a less attractive version—and the dates were pretty good—except that same guy who was a little weirder than I expected. They had expressed to me that they were surprised I agreed to go out with them. Completely confused I ask why and they told me they figured I was too pretty to say yes. Immediately my mind blanked and filled up with thoughts like but I’m so big, or does my weight not throw you off? One guy in particular I thought was the most attractive, When we had gone out, he took one look at me when we meet and never really looked at me for long again. My mind went right into thinking that maybe I looked better/smaller in my pictures. Towards the end of the date he confessed that he thought I was so beautiful that I was making him nervous. For a good minute I really thought he was speaking out of his ass, but he looked like he genuinely meant it. I don’t even think he really noticed my weight as a negative part of me—you know, pretty for a big girl.
Even though none of those dates ever became something more, I came out different. I know I don’t need a man’s approval for the way I look and I never thought I did, but it’s a little disheartening when no one your age seems to be attracted to you. I realized that my weight isn’t going to come between me getting into a relationship and I shouldn’t think it will. If it does, they probably weren’t right to begin with. Eventually the right person is going to come into my life and they aren’t going to see my weight and turn away, they probably won’t even think of it, and neither should I.
Diary of a Tired Black Girl 